My sisters plane landed an hour and a half ago. I have seen her for less than half an hour and I’m already sick of her and wish she’d go away. This isn’t good

It’s like nothing is actually going wrong but everything is. 

Today I was rude to people for no reason and I don’t know what’s happening. 

1. Yes, I said I didn’t want to go but you are my best friend you’re suppose to actually want me there. Like I understand you’re madly in love with this guy (it’s obvious and awkward to everyone) but seriously just “i might just have to take them myself” Best friend my ass. You would kick me to the curb in two seconds if you had the chance to be with him. 
2. I’m just feeling so insecure. Why can’t I ever be enough for anyone? 
3. I felt so good yesterday. But all of a sudden today it’s just all gone down hill and I don’t understand why. 
4. No one tells me anything in this house and expects me to either a) know what’s happening automatically or b) just be okay with no one telling me and then going along with everything like a perfect little daughter 

“I opened my mouth, almost said something. Almost. The rest of my life might have turned out differently if I had. But I didn’t.”

Khaled Hosseini, The Kite Runner 

Everything could have been different. I could be so happy with you right now but this is my fault. I have no one to blame but myself. It’s been two years and I still cannot get over it. Seriously, Amy? He’s moved on. Why can’t you. 

(The fact that this can apply to two people really kills me all the more) 

I think the worst part about being so confused and feeling like you just want to break down is not having anyone there to break down to

I’m just so scared that I’m going to end up with no one. I have no one. I have no reason to be confident. I have no reason to be happy. I have nothing. And I’m just realizing this all now. The future is bleak and I can’t do anything about it. 

Yesterday I had to work and it was terrible (but not actually because I didn’t have to do anything, it was like dead) but afterwards my sister picked me up and we went to the mall and I actually really liked my outfit and felt so good walking around in it. I love those days when your outfit is just right. I hope it’s a thing that sticks, I would love to feel that way always. I also bought high waisted pants which I’m really happy about. All my other pants are so low waster and I feel so much fatter than I know I am. So yesterday was good :) 

Today is just studying and tomorrow I’m actually looking forward to. I have my exam (not looking forward to that) But I get to see Emmeline and hang out with her all day before the exam and then youth afterwards. I hope youth goes well and I feel good. Then Thursday I’m celebrating being done with Abbie and then I’m finally going to actually go to young adults. I hope it’s fun!!! 

So all I have to do is get through exams and then I’m done with my first year of university. But lately something has seemed so off. I’ve been mostly getting along with my family, or so I thought, and then I realized that’s not what is happening at all. It’s 1030 in the morning and my sister has already told me I eat unhealthy and don’t study, which are both slightly true but really offended me. Because with my sister those two basically translate to I’m fat and I’m dumb. And even after I stand up for myself she has a way of making me feel like crap, even though she was the one who started it. “Everyone already knows all about your tantrums” Well maybe that’s because you fucking tell them. 

I’m also not going on the retreat this weekend with my girls because I have an exam and I really wish I could be there for them and just for me, to have a good time. I hate that my exam is on Sunday night, I hate that everyone’s going to bond and I’m not going to be there, I hate that I won’t be there at this important weekend in their lives, I hate that I don’t get to get away for a couple days with them. I doubt they’re even going to miss me though :( 

I’ve also been feeling very lonely lately. I think it’s because summer is coming and everyone has plans, jobs or are going away and I’m not. But it’s like I have no one really there for me. I know everyone wants a boyfriend deep down inside but I’ve always been able to hide it or put it away so I don’t think about it. But lately I can’t help it. I’ve been going over everything in my head from the past, thinking that things could have worked out from like two years ago. There’s no hope that someone I sort of went out with two years ago still thinks about me, there is no way. I don’t know why I’m holding on to it. 

And also I got this stuff for my skin, cream and pills, that I’m suppose to take for three months. But the dermatologist said that my skin is going to be really dry and probably get worse before it gets better. I didn’t really care because my skin would be getting better but now that it’s getting worse it’s making me feel really insecure, which isn’t something that I need on my plate right now on top of everything else. 

Oh and I may fail my exams. WOOO